Too Much Blood

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far
one can go.

T. S. Elliot

It has been a strange few days. I am still reeling over the events with the Screaming Banshee and the Hells Angels! The last thing I need is that whirlwind of destruction in or near my life. The landlord of the Rock said last night that she would be back. Maybe I will move my boat.

I have had a few long telephone conversation with Special Needs and she seems like a lovely person; really easy to talk to. I haven’t yet told her that I live on a boat and I wonder how she will view that. People, I have found, have mixed reaction; some love it: “Oh that must be wonderful, so peaceful”, other think immediately that you must be ‘trailer trash’ or ‘water pikeys’. The mildly interested ones always ask the same questions: “Doesn’t it get cold?”, “Isn’t it damp”, “how do you wash?” etc. So, one can never be sure of how someone else will react. It is part of me though; it is the way I live, and I will never pretend to be what I am not. I believe that if someone likes you it should be for who you are, not how big your house or bank balance is, or how you earn a crust. I hope Special doesn’t turn out to be that shallow.

I am damaged goods and she probably is too. I think most of us are that have lived any life at all. You learn what the important things are about people and about life in general, what your values are, what you want from it all. However, that doesn’t stop us making the same mistakes over and over again. We are not a very bright species in reality. Take me for example; I invited the Screaming Banshee over to the boat. Now I knew what risks that entailed, I was warned by my friends that I was risking so much and so close to home, but I still went ahead and did it. How stupid is that? Now all I can do is a damage limitation exercise but I don’t have much control over things in that direction. All I can do is hope and try to learn. I suppose the Banshee incident has unsettled me a little, and that coupled with natural apprehensions about meeting a new person has made me a bit nervous of what will happen with Special Needs on Wednesday. Why do I always have all these self doubts?

When my marriage broke up, nearly 5 years ago, I swore to myself that, from then on, I would always be truthful, especially to my self. I think I lied to myself during my marriage, I supposed I wanted it to be OK and built a false reality that it was. I also lied to everyone around me, made them think the marriage was a happy one, everything was all right. Maybe that is what a lot of us do. That is living a lie in my book and I made a sworn declaration to myself that I would never do that again; I would never lie or live a lie. It’s a cliché but life really is too short. I met the Banshee about 8 months after I had split with my x-wife. I was vulnerable then and had very low self esteem, a very poor self image. That relationship was short lived but damaged me even more. Being an optimistic, positive thinking survivor at heart, I got over the hurt and the wounds healed. I still have the scars though, as they say.

Now I don’t know what I want really. Well I want to be happy, I know that much, but relationships? I have been very happy on my own these last months, the best I have felt for years. It has also been a productive period. I have written loads, had lots of ideas, and felt the old creative juices flowing again. No one to answer for other than myself; no one to be concerned about; I have been able to be as open as I have wanted. It is always difficult for a writer to be involved with someone. Most of us write from our own experiences and even the most fictional pieces have their roots in autobiographical experiences. If you are involved in a relationship, events, dynamics, feelings, etc., will undoubtedly find their way into your writing. Depending on who your partner is, this may or may not upset them, which in turn causes problems between you both. Once you are aware of this there can be a tendency of holding back on what you are putting into your work. This in turn takes the real edge off your writing and can make it loose its credibility, impact, strength, reality. Note to self: ‘try and keep all this in perspective’.

At the end of the day you have to take risks to find anything other than the mundane. Another cliché but, you have to experience sadness to know what happiness is. I like to think I am prepared to take risks to find better things. Keith Richard once said: “Someone needs to see how far this thing can go, it may as well be us”.


Too Much Blood

Too much blood
when you ripped out my heart
Too much pain
right from the start
Too much gloom
now we're apart
Fresh tracks in the mud
is all that's left
Fresh tracks in the mud
and too much blood